Never Mind 坐到了后坐上
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
The Looney Bin 疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
Class, Lass and Ass
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day,so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow.
A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
The Same Duties
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Keep feeding him nickels
A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.
"Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "
Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"
How do I get the gum out?
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
What a big deal
A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
Three Men in a Boat
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.
"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
A Blind Beggar
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money.
A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.
After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine.
The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”
The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry,
I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”
“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
Rain stopped play
Teacher had set his class an essay "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Stee handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play"..
Columbus' telephone number哥伦布的电话号码
Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such number (1451-1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain why, sir?
Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus' telephone number!
Teacher: Betty, you made so many mistakes in your exercises, surely your mother will blame you!
Betty: Blame me? Oh, no. On the contrary, I'll blame her, because it was she that did my homework instead.
Two Birds 两只鸟
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, and the other is a sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out, but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
It’s Not My Fault 这不是我的过错
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Victor? You're the worst pupil in your class." Said the father.
"What's that got to do with me? Is it my fault that the worst one was yesterday transferred to another school?" was the answer.
The Result of Laziness 懒惰的结果
Mother: Why were you kept after school today, Johnny?
Johnny: Teacher told us to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness", and I turned in a blank sheet of paper.