Doctor: Please open your mouth, madam.
Lady: Thank you very much, doctor.
Doctor: Why do you thank me?
Lady: Because my husband always asked me to shut up.
A teacher asked one of his students:" What is the longest and what is the shortest?" The student answered immediately:" The last several minutes of a class is the longest, while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest."
The teacher asked Tom: "Why did you come to school so late this morning?" "Someone lost one yuan." Answered Tom. "Oh, now I know, you helped him find the money," the teacher said. "No, I stood on the money until the person went away," was Tom's reply.
Teacher:David,why don't you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning?
David: What was it ?
David: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday.
Teacher:Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century?
Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.
Tom: How's your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He's ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tom: That's too bad. How did it happen?
Johnny: We betted who could lean further out of the window, and he won.
A man traveling at 130 miles per hour on the road was stopped by traffic police. " Sorry, officer." said the driver, " Was I driving too fast?" " No, sir. You were flying too slow."
Girl: Remember that vase you always worried I would break?
Mom: of course. What about it?
Girl: Your worries are over.
Patient: You say carrot is good for eyesight. Is that true?
Doctor: Certainly. Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?
David: Did you know that we are related?
Neighbor: Goodness, how can that be?
David: Your dog and my dog are brothers.
A young man was in love with a beautiful girl. One day she said to him: "It is my birthday tomorrow." "Oh," said the young man, "I'll send you roses, one rose for each year of your life." The same evening he went to a florist's. As he knew that the girl was twenty-two years old, he paid for twenty-two roses and asked the florist to send them to the girl the next day. When the young man left the shop, the florist thought: "This young man is a very good customer. I think that my price was too high. I'll send ten more roses." He did so. The next morning thirty-two roses were sent to the girl. When the young man came to see her, she didn't speak to him. And he never knew why she was so angry with him.
Customer: I wonder if this milk is fresh.
Waiter: Fresh? Three hours ago it was GRASS!
Bobby: Billy broke my new doll!
Mum: How did he do that?
Bobby: I hit him over the head with it.
Teacher: Why does a train run faster than a car?
Pupil: Because it has more wheels than a car.
Sam: How were your exam questions?
Tom: They were easy, but I had trouble with the answers.
Sim: How can I stop water from coming into my house.
Sam: Don't pay the water bill.
Mary: Are you going to use your bike today?
Jane: Yes, I am sorry.
Mary: Good, then you won't be needing your tennis racket. May I borrow it?
Harry: My big brother shaves every day.
Henry: My brother shaves fifty times a day.
Harry: Is he crazy?
Henry: No, he's a barber.
Teacher: What's the shape of our earth, Henry?
Henry: It's round.
Teacher: Well, how do you know it is round?
Henry: All right, it's square then. I don't want to start an argument about it.
Tom: I went for a walk in a large park last week. It was very cold and the wind was blowing hard. All of a student, I saw a big tiger...
Henry: Oh, what did you do then?
Tom: I looked at him for a while, then I put my hands into my pockets and went back home.
Henry: Did the tiger run after you ?
Tom: No, he didn't of course. You see, it was shut in a cage.
An old man died and left his son a lot of money. But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles. 'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man. 'What will happen to me now?' 'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn. 'Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.' The young man was very glad. 'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin. 'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man. 'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.'
A sign outside a barber's shop said: COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT. Fred saw it, and went back the next day and asked for his free haircut. "'Can't you read?" said the barber. "It says come back-tomorrow!"
"DID you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"
"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one."
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. one of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims,' Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?' His friend replies: 'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.'
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's all right! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him ,but once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and once again, the boat sped off. The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come." Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?" St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"